


Being Human

by AlfiaH



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 02:11:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6546262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlfiaH/pseuds/AlfiaH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What Castiel learnt from hunting with the Winchesters is that their job was never over, even when they thought it could have. Sam never left to reach Emily. He failed to have a normal life and Dean couldn't forgive himself for this. If he could have seen himself through Castiel's eyes, he wouldn't have been so angry at himself, back then."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Being Human

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I posted this fic on an Italian site months ago, but I always wanted to write on an English one. Obviously my English is quite bad (as you can see) so I have to thank my friend Momoko89 for translating it.  
> Hope you like it!

 

Castiel learnt plenty of things about humans during his last few years on the Earth- way more than he had learnt after centuries spent observing them just from distance. Humans call it 'learning from experience', as Dean once told him, since “you can't really tell unless you try ”. As a matter of fact, it was presumptuous of Castiel to think he really knew humanity for starters - Geez, he was right there when humans were born- but he had never learnt what to be human really meant until he fell (after that, he had quite enough for sure).

Once or twice he tried to explain Dean that angels don't live like humans do. In fact, although lately Death wallowed in among angels' armies, rolling in with their corpses during the Civil War, angels weren't actually born to die- and yet, Castiel stopped wondering why he was born since the day he had met Dean Winchester.  
The hunter pointed his finger at him and kindly invited him to shut the hell up.

“Bullshit” he said as he was gobbling his dinner, “Cass, you're a human being. I mean... yeah, you're an angel because your butt is feathered and you can warp wherever you want like Goku does. But lemme tell ya: among all the angels, you are definitely the most human. And trust me, I met more angels in my life than I wish I could tell.”

Back that night, Castiel didn't understand that Dean's speech was actually meant to be a compliment – he had indeed done some researches about this Goku-guy but he couldn't see the resemblance.

But now he thought he had. He learnt about concepts such as feelings and friendship, or things like porn and cartoons. He also learnt about lies, and that lies are essential if you want to be president - _Do you know what people usually do when they really want something? They lie_ \- or in his case, to be God.

He learnt about what family really meant, and Dean's way to solve problems.

 

 

 

 

_“...Because I'm your brother. It's my duty to protect you!” Dean yelled, slamming the Impala door._

_“Dean, for God's sake, I'm not 5 anymore. I don't need you to protect me. We are hunters, it's our job, it's MY job!”  Sam breathed deeply appealing to all his common sense, then said:" You could've died, Dean. You left me handcuffed to a goddamn heater. And how could you possibly think you could fight a Knight of Hell all by yourself? "He snapped angrily._

_“Cass was there with me. And I'm very much alive, as you can clearly see”._

_The younger Winchester turned unbelievingly to the angel and let his arms fall along his sides, muttering “you were into this since the beginning”. Sam walked away, but Dean didn't go after him._

 

 

 

 

Castiel wasn't aware of how meaningless his presence was for the older Winchester until that very moment. Dean wasn't in the mood for hunting or eating without Sam. He came even close to having a stroke because Sam wasn't answering the phone. Dean was so mad at him –he had very good reasons to be. He spent hours checking the display of his phone refusing to admit the fact that, somehow, he was hurt.

Human feelings are painful, now Castiel could tell very well. That anguish Sam felt, that constant fear not to be enough or simply to end up being a disappointment for Dean, it was real. And he could tell anger was real, too. That same anger Dean felt - _you can't save everybody, Dean-_. He could even tell jealousy was real. But Castiel had never thought he would have experienced it the hard way.

He once thought: 'Sam has Dean. I got nothing left. Even my Father has abandoned me'. He could still remember the shame that had filled him afterwards. Then he looked at Dean and felt so much anger that his limbs started shaking. He had lost everything for him. He had done anything for him. And yet, Dean was there sitting in that shabby hotel room, still staring at the display of his phone.

Castiel screamed inside feeling himself falling to pieces, and then picked up what was left of his soul.

 

 

 

 

_“Dean needs you” Castiel cut short. Sam put the gun down, “I have to take you to him”._

_“You should stop showing up out of the blue, I almost shot you!"_

_“You couldn't hurt me. Did you hear what I've just said?”_

_The younger Winchester crossed his legs on the bed and shook his head, a sarcastic smile appeared on his face, “If Dean told you to come here..” he started, but the angel interrupted him right away, “No, of course he didn't. He'd rather get shot than come to terms with reality. He doesn't need me, he just needs to control me because he's afraid I could do something wrong, again. He can't trust me and I cannot blame him for that, but I wish I got some honesty from him rather than concerned mother looks as if...” he angrily tightened his lips up and turned his look to the white wall, as if he needed to read the lines of some kind of script, too difficult to give them voice. Castiel saw his reflection on his souring soul and felt like a monster, again._

_“It's your family” he murmured._

_Sam laughed bitterly “It's just been a week and you already sound like him. Maybe he likes you way more than he liked me for all these years. He trusts you and...geez, you almost destroyed Heaven playing God for him! No offence, Cass, the problem is not you. The problem is that to handcuff your brother to a fucking heater and then get recklessly beaten up by a Knight of Hell because 'we are family' is not fair. This is not how problem are to be solved.”_

 

 

 

 

The truth is that Sam was right. But when the angel brought him back to Dean, Castiel stepped back and said nothing.  
For some time, Castiel wished he had been part of the family, part of  Dean's family, his reason of life. For some time, he told himself that it was real, and that Dean really needed him.  
He believed in what the older Winchester had told him once - _Cass, we are a family, we need you. I need you_ \- and he felt so human, back then. For the first time, it didn't feel like shit. But as time passed by, he realized what Dean really meant by that phrase, what he had always meant: "we are a family, but whoever touches Sam is a deadman". This is a concept that Castiel accepted only in theory - like sometimes humans do.

He was aware Dean wouldn't have hesitated to kick him out if Sam had been in danger. He was aware because it had already happened once. But the fact that he knew - that he had always known- didn't make the truth less painful, nor did it change the fact that it was the right thing to do- and Castiel had made very few things right in his life that he really couldn't admit how hurtful Dean's request was to him.

 

 

 

_“It's sad, you know...the fact that angels don't have a mother” Dean once told him._

_Castiel had never thought about this. He didn't say anything. All he did was to look up the sky and watch the stars through Dean's eyes._

_“Don't you miss it, you know...to have a normal family? Whatever 'normal' means for you angels”, he asked after a while, grabbing a bottle of beer. Another job was accomplished. The next day, Sam would leave to finally reach Emily. That was his normality, all that he had always wished for. Something that Dean could never understand._

_Castiel shook his head “No, I don't. Not after I found this” he replied. The hunter turned his look on him and saw he was smiling. He raised his eyebrow with skepticism and muttered “You settle for less”._

_But for Castiel, that wasn't  to settle for less. To spend time with Dean looking at the stars, drinking beer, hunting, doing some good: it was everything he would never give up. That's what the angel replied that night. And then, the hunter drank another beer._

 

 

 

What Castiel learnt from hunting with the Winchesters is that their job was never over, even when they thought it could have. Sam never left to reach Emily. He failed to have a normal life and Dean couldn't forgive himself for this. If he could have seen himself through Castiel's eyes, he wouldn't have been so angry at himself, back then. Dean could defeat the apocalypse and the angels, beat the demons and Hell, finish off the leviathans escaped from the Purgatory. And yet, there was always another job at the corner, another challenge “we haven't faced yet”.

 

 

 

_“Dean will be mad as hell when we tell him”, the younger Winchester smirked but Castiel didn't find it funny. They were waiting in the sitting room of the hospital._

_“He won't take easily the fact that he was about to die because of a heart attack. You know, he has always thought he would die on the field kicking someone's ass.”_

_“He's not dead” the angel murmured, but he could hear that fucking voice in his chest whispering “not yet”, and still creeping his heart._

_“Well, theoretically yes. He was dead for a handful of seconds”, Sam said. Castiel couldn't bear it._

 

 

 

Castiel had never thought about human weakness. Or at least, he had never thought of Dean as a weak human. He escaped from Hell and Purgatory surviving from any possible hellish thing. And yet, the sharp awareness that nature could take Dean away from him almost broke his heart. And a broken heart is more than angels could bear. His Dean, he has always been an invincible fighter. Until his Father decided to take him away.

 

 

 

_“He just came back from his holidays and he thinks he can do whatever he wants” Sam shouted. He had his grey hair gathered in a ponytail. Dean shook his head, his eyes were glistening with tears, the tiresome look of an old date fighter. His look was weary like the one of an old warrior who's been fighting for a life or two. Castiel was silent, his gaze lost in space. He couldn't manage to realize._

_“Cass can cure you” the younger Winchester kept saying “you have always said....”_

_“Sammy, I'm tired. People die of cancer every day. My life isn't worth more than theirs. For that matters, I would have never imagined I could get so old.”_

_Exasperated, Sam turned to Castiel for some help but the angel had already gone. He couldn't stand to watch him like that anymore._

 

 

 

Pain, death, loss. They all might cast a shadow on the silver linings that life offers in a twisted way. They're part of humanity. That same humanity Castiel fell in love with. He became human once. Not for long, and yet he had enough time to learn that it's easier to give up to misery and to blame the whole world (why was it still turning if Dean was about to die?) rather than thank for a glimpse of happiness felt for a bunch of seconds, and then quickly faded in the past.

Castiel couldn't hate his Father because he was trying to set a new order to cosmo (he hated his Father for other reasons) neither could he hate the world because it wouldn't miss Dean as much as he would. Instead, Castiel hated Dean because he had stopped fighting.

 

 

 

_“Don't be angry with me, Cass”._

_Dean didn't change much. He looked quite like Bobby, actually. Sitting on the couch, he hunched his shoulders, a beer in his hands. He still had broad shoulders and grey hairs on the temples. Castiel yearned to put his fingers through his hair and feel how the colour had changed its consistency. His beard was thick, his dull eyes were the main reason of Castiel's anger._

_“Let me cure you and I won't be angry with you anymore.”_

_Dean smiled -and that, that was the very reason why he couldn't hate him._

_“I'm old, Cass. Even if you cured me, I wouldn't be much of help. And I'd get sick again.”_

_He closed his eyes and let himself in on the couch. The angel was on his knees, his chin resting on Dean's lap. He sighed when he felt the old Winchester's fingers running through his hair._

_“At least you, don't be angry with me.” he repeated brushing a lock of his hair._

_“I can make you immortal, you might be young forever and...”_

_“No thanks, Edward. I'm a human being...I've been through so many things, Cass. I just want to be human. People get old and die. That's ok.”_

_“Dean, I promised I would watch over you. I promised I would protect you. Please, let me.”_

_“Yes, I remember” the hunter smiled, “ I almost feared you were going to make me a full-blown love declaration. It would have been definitely awkward since you could be mistaken for my son now.  I would've loved it, you know? To have a son. Or a grandson. I could've taught him many things. How to drive, just to name one. I would've handed my baby to somebody. It might've been strange, you know...to have a granddaughter, but I suit well in the shape of the jealous uncle. Cass, let it be so, my Heaven. Let it be so and it'll be fine. There'll be Sam and I will have a grandson, or a granddaughter, I'll let choose to fate. Jessica will be so happy. No monster, Cass. No monster in my Heaven. My mother will be so happy- and you will be there, holding my hand. You won't be two thousand years old and won't talk like my grandfather, although there's no chance Samuel starts talking weird as you do.  Jo will hate you to death, but Ellen will have a little talk with her and she will understand. Bobby will tell us to go screw ourselves because dad always beats him playing cards. He knows dad is cheating, but he won't say anything because dad makes a very funny face when he wins, and it makes my grandson laugh, Hanry. Sam once told me he would have named his son so.”_

_“Hanry is nice.” Castiel whispered, unable to stop his tears. That night, he let Dean tell him about his Heaven._

 

 

 

Castiel knows he still has plenty of things to learn (lately, he is working on his IT skills) but he doesn't spend much time on earth since the Winchesters are gone. He's always there, in Dean's Heaven. He observes Dean from distance and the other himself wrapping his arm around Dean's waist while watching the stars. Castiel won't have his Heaven after his death. But if he had, it would certainly look like Dean's one (but after all, angels weren't made to die or for many other things).

After all, Castiel is proud to be the most human angel Dean had always met.

 


End file.
